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I spent a lot of my life thinking other people hated me.
Of course, some did hate me. Others? Didn’t care much.
I am writing this article for 2 main reasons.
Give awareness to you, who may consider yourself as shy, introverted, or socially anxious around how you come off to other people.
For those of you with loved ones or colleagues who are shy, introverted, or socially anxious and you want to improve your understanding.
Buckle up, open your mind, and let’s go!
1. Lack of Eye Contact
As humans, we developed over thousands of years on how to tell if someone is lying to us.
Once we learned how to communicate, we also realized some people can take advantage and be deceitful, and so we had to learn how to become lie-detectors.
It turns out only 7-55% of our communication is through literal words.
The rest? Micro-facial expressions, temperaments, body language, tone, vocals, etc.
A big one that developed was eye contact.
Chances are if you’re socially anxious, you’re not making much eye contact with other people. Not because you don’t like them. But, rather automatic behavior & lifestyle.
If you are this: Focus on making direct eye contact. It will be madly uncomfortable at first but with incremental practice, it makes a world a difference. If you struggle with this, try making eye contact with yourself in the mirror.
If you are not like this: Realize maybe someone isn’t making eye contact with you not because they are rude or disrespectful but because they have social anxiety.
2. Cancelling Plans
We have all made plans that have fallen through. That’s life.
But, what if you have a friend you haven’t seen a while who constantly cancels plans?
You might think you’re not a priority, and that may certainly be the case to them, but you would be surprised to hear stories of socially anxious friends who do this.
Many of the time introverts will say YES to going, because they were in a high state and felt very excited and motivated. Next thing you know life hits them, they get anxious, and it happens to be the day of your plans.
If you are this: Only say Yes if you mean it. Communicate factors that would get you to say no. i.e. if it goes too late, if they bring other friends, etc.
If you are not like this: Ask them in a friendly manner 1-2 days before, and then the day of if they will make it without too much pressure, while also letting them know how much it means to you that they will come.
3. Not Responding to Texts or Calls
People with social anxiety will often face a complicated spiderweb of issues matrix-ing and crossing between social webs of interactions.
This is why people with social anxiety often aren’t the best texters or callers.
Personally, unless I really like you, I will never respond to a random phone call.
On top of that, some of us also sometimes struggle with texting. Not because of business but because anxiety holds you back. If you engage in such a way, you step back into the stream of anxiety, which you would rather avoid.
If you are this: Realize it’s okay to have social boundaries but it’s also important to maintain social connections. Schedule a time in your calendar daily or weekly when you can text people back :)
If you are not like this: Follow up in a friendly way. Don’t text someone who’s ignoring you but also have forgiveness and be consistent. Don’t give people ultimatums, or take not texting back personally.
4. Not Engaging in Conversation & Playing with Phone
People with social anxiety really struggle with conversations that aren’t terrifying, sweat-filled, awkward, and even rockier than the Rocky Mountains in Colorado.
Especially if you aren’t taught, you will seem from the outside like you hate these people who are trying to have a conversation with you. Just realize people can’t tell what’s in your head, they can see what’s on your face.
You’re not rude, you’re just going through a lot.
If you are this: Work on your social anxiety. Learn the art of conversation. Create a practice to make it OK to mention to people you are a bit nervous. Be in the present moment, give people the attention you wish you could get.
If you are not like this: Again, don’t take it personally. Create the habit of learning how to perceive who is shy and who isn’t shy and adapt your behavior accordingly.
5. Not Paying Attention or Asking to Repeat What You Said
I remember back when I had no ability to focus, brain fog 24/7, and extreme anxiety. I would either no speak in a conversation or ask the person what they said.
Introverts, Shy, Socially Anxious Will Do This Because:
They heard your answer but want more time to think about what they are going to say next out of the habit of anxiety.
They weren’t present in the moment, they were too busy fighting their fears in their own heads and mental & emotional worlds.
If you are this: Work on your social anxiety. Learn the art of conversation. Create a practice to make it OK to mention to people you are a bit nervous.
If you are not like this: Again, don’t take it personally. Create the habit of learning how to perceive who is shy and who isn’t shy and adapt your behavior accordingly.
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Can I help?
Over the last several years I’ve devoted my life to helping introverted, shy, socially anxious creators, entrepreneurs, CEOs, and professionals move these mental health obstacles out of their life so they can get busy being their real selves in front of anyone.
If you are interested in potentially inquiring about my services for yourself or someone else, please fill out this form below.
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